Arguments in partnership, and how to come to an agreement

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So during arguing, you will explode, and calm down a little bit to take a breath, but your heart is pounding so you will explode again, then again you quickly calm down, leading you these swings of emotions to exhaustion.

After you are drained from exhaustion, you have no words to say. You stay speechless but your mind is still full of negative thoughts, and anger. It’s like a pressure cooker. You need to ventilate the energy, you think that the best to do is to go away, and spend a minute on your own. Well, it does seem like a correct thing to do but doesn’t solve anything, really. In time the arguments will only worsen, taking you deeper down…

There is one good thing about arguing; whenever you have issues, problems in partnership, they always come out during arguing. Silence is not always ideal to resolve an issue.

Let’s go to the beginning where it all started

Let’s say; arguing with your partner yesterday, still left inside you some of the negative thoughts, because you won’t let it go, most probably it will happen again. It has actually initiated well before you met your partner. It all started in your childhood when you had been so little, still unable to express yourself by words, but saw it all. Witnessed most of the arguments your parents had between each other or just the way they used to talk to you,- treated you or simply the way they showed you how to deal with stressful situations.

Between the age 0 and about 6-7 years old, your brain is set to learn very quickly from the environment around. It is said that your personality is influenced by 1 third from parents, 1 third from your friends, and 1 third from the school environment. Well, the ratio between the 3 thirds varies, depending on what environment you are in touch most.

But, one thing is for sure, when you are baby, still so little, and then when you are a little bit older, you are let’s say 6 years old; the only persons around you are your parents. Ok, you went to preschool, you made some friends, and the teachers there supervising you trying to take care of you.

For example, I still clearly remember when I was about 5 years old, I was going to preschool and played with the kids there, obviously. I still remember how the teacher, an old lady held me in her arms to make me feel asleep before she would put me in the bed with the other children around noon. But this doesn’t have much influence on my behaviour when I sometimes argue with my partner. I am actually quite lucky because I and my partner we are very accepting persons, so arguing is not an issue for us. But we all do it, that’s normal.

Whether we are capable of confronting face-to-face conflicts or failing in the confrontation to deal with them is related to how our parents communicated with us.

Our relationship with a partner is the 2nd closest after the relationship with our parents, and that is why it is faithfully reflected in everything that we inherited in childhood and adolescence. Even if you don’t think so, deep inside you in subconscious mind, you are still attached to your parents because the way you act, react, and deal in different situations has been settled in your childhood.

It is not only the case if the parent was worthy and loving to you, or whether he/she was a choleric pedant without a bit of understanding. It’s about whether the parent thought you to some respect, communication, understanding each other, and most importantly what they thought you about dealing or confronting unpleasant/unexpected situations.

Disrespect as a fundamental mistake

“Disrespect” is the fundamental mistake we have in ourselves encoded throughout our lives.

For the current generation of forties, for example, a typical parental education; parents have been making decisions about everything from what you wear as a baby, what you will eat, and when, and that you have to finish your meal or a school you go to study as higher education or even who you will and will not be friends with.

Time goes by quickly, suddenly you are eighteen, and parents are surprised that their offspring is so non-independent and feeble. And the child has completely no control over his/her emotions because never been thought what independence, and adaptability is. Later in life, it will be reflected in the partnership, of course.

The ideal situation, in which both partners are sufficiently mature and able to communicate together, is a rather rare phenomenon. That’s why 80% of divorces are so bad.

Communication is the key to resolve an issue you are arguing about

How to come to an agreement

The basic steps towards more effective adult communication in a partnership is being aware of your position in the relationship, and your value to yourself.

For example; are you submissive or do you let your partner shout at you even for no reason, and you think that let it go this way will prevent any complications? Then, you are doing everything to make it become a bigger argument later.

People think, that arguing is; to give reasons, and verbally exchange or express opposite views, typically in a heated or angry way. That is not quite right. Maybe you are the submissive, not really shy but a person who doesn’t feel that arguing will solve anything. But how about your partner, what to do if he/she is not the same opinion, and they try to take advantage of the situation and use it against your goodness?

Now the big question, what to do, any advice to give? It’s hard to give particular and right advice as every person, and connection between the two of you is so different. One would say to go to a psychologist but it costs money and time. Generally speaking, arguments are very emotional, they drive you crazy, make you feel upset, tired, sad, and take your energy away.

You might think that arguments create negative energy but ‘negative’ is not what’s wrong. What is not definitely good if you take a wrong approach to it-attitude.

Attitude is a big and very broad expression. You can read about it here to understand it better

So, when you have negative thoughts or emotions, is psychologically proven they make you focus, they make you go one way which is trying to resolve the issue. Unlike positive emotions like feeling happy or exited broaden your vision. When you face a problem or have an issue you need to focus, concentrate.

There is one good thing about arguing; whenever you have issues, problems in partnership, they always come out during arguing. Silence is not always ideal to resolve an issue. An issue needs to be talked about, discussed, and this way to make a plan on how to resolve it. You can’t resolve anything if you stay passive, submissive or turn away from a problem.  Because, if a problem is not under control, it will grow only bigger, and eventually, hit you from the back when you don’t expect it.

Worrying doesn’t take away tomorrow’s problems but it takes away today’s peace.

It’s all about attitude and controlling your emotions

Don’t let your emotions controlling your life, try to learn how to control your emotions instead, and your life will become easier in every aspect. The impulse/incentive for an emotion to come out initiates in the subconscious mind, when it already comes, the feeling from the emotion is the subject to a reaction. The action is the actual emotion coming from your subconscious mind. Every day we have 1000s of thoughts, and subconscious mind controls 95% of all our reactions based on our feelings. 5% is the conscious mind, where you have the thoughts, but controlled by your subconscious mind.

As I mentioned before, when you are little child, until you reach about 6 years of age, your brain is like a sponge, sucking all the information from the environment; the way your parents talk to each other in front of you, the way they talk to you or the way they teach you how you should deal with different situation in life.

Generally speaking, anything you see happening during this 6 years period since you have been born, will be as your foundations located in subconscious mind for your emotions later in your life. Now, when you are in adult age, if you still feel insecure, and not able to control your emotions, you are basically attached mentally to what was going on during your child age. For your brain there isn’t such thing past or future, anything you feel is for the brain something you are still experiencing in the current moment. So, your brain will react accordingly to it on every neurological, and chemical level, so mentally you will feel like you are experiencing what you went through before but obviously, your life now in the present time, with only the memories for the past, you are thinking ‘there are only the memories of the past’, but your brain doesn’t see it this way. Your brain reacts to your past memories now!

If your parents have not been nice to each other nor to you, all that you have experienced will be reflected now when you are dealing with anything on daily bases in your life. Talking about arguing, do you remember or can you recall some moments when your parents have been shouting at each other or at you? Try to remember, you will definitely find similarities in the way you argue with your partner.

But it’s not enough to try, because whatever we think about, we always tend to try, it’s just a sense of curiosity, an act of survival- that’s is very natural. You need to want to change, you need to want to do it, and once you do it, you carry on until you are successful in what you are doing. This doesn’t take time and knowledge. You can be as much knowledgeable as you want, and yet you will get easily into arguments. It takes wisdom!

It seems like that during arguing we don’t hear each other well but the truth is our subconscious mind gets the message without letting us know…

Healthy arguing and how the stars can’t shine without darkness

Wisdom is everything which is not easily attainable character-wise; being patient, able to accept the other’s party opinion, and talk about it. Being able to admit that you might be wrong, and accept it. Work on your weaknesses and turn it into your strengths, which might be simply the case that you are an impatient and easily irritable character.

Yes, you can turn a weakness into strengths, how to do so, you can read here

So, if you argue, argue the way, you will let talk the other party, talk about the issues, and try to resolve it together. If you leave in the middle of arguing, how you can resolve an issue when the issue relates to both of you. There are many ways how you can avoid an argument but this is not the intention of this article to talk about this. The easier way, when you argue, is to make things clear, and have it under control rather than avoiding arguing completely, and hold it inside you as energy accumulating in need of going out to release the pressure.

We are simply humans with so many imperfections in character. Thousands of thoughts going through our minds every day. How we can find guidance in the complex maze of emotions and thoughts?  What makes us special is not that somebody is better at something then the other person but to learn from each other or the situation which needs our attention in the best possible manner.


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